Sunday, October 28, 2012

Fragrant Mary Presents: The Importance of Having a Goal in Life

Fragrant Mary Presents:


The Importance of Having a Goal in Life: Interview with a chicken.

I am on location at one of the region’s largest and most important suppliers of chickens to independent abattoirs and butchers as well as the large supermarket chains. I am speaking with a chicken.


FM:          What shall I call you? There are so many of you and you all look alike. Do 
                 you mind if I call you Waldo?
Waldo:     I like Waldo, very nice.

FM:          Could you describe for me your current situation.

Waldo:     Well as you can see I live in a big barn with all these chickens and we walk
                 around on the floor. We’re what’s known as broilers. That means we don’t lay
                 any eggs. We have food and water over there from those tubes. Don’t ask me
                 what they’re feedin us because I don’t know.

FM:          There seem to be quite a lot of you.

Waldo:     Twenty-five thousand plus I’m guessin.

FM:          Waldo, do you fit in? Are you happy?

Waldo:     No, I don’t fit in and I’m not happy.

FM:          Why is that?

Waldo:     The truth is my goal in life is to be a free range chicken.

FM:          What is it about being a free range chicken that makes you want to be one?

Waldo:     For one thing they’re free and for another they’re out on the range. You have some
                 individual space. For another they live longer than ordinary broilers. They eat better too.
                 It’s not just what ever comes down the tube. For another they’re worth more at market
                 than a broiler or  specifically a roaster broiler which is what I am.

FM:          You’re life expectancy is what?

Waldo:     I’m out of here in four weeks. Eight weeks in total.

FM:          And a free range chicken goes to market in how many weeks?

Waldo:     Well, how about sixteen weeks. That’s awesome.

FM:          And you’ll fetch a higher price per pound of meat.

Waldo:     You bet.

FM:          Something to what, be proud of?

Waldo:     I’m a cut above then aren’t I?

FM:          But Waldo perhaps it’s just vanity.

Waldo:     Nobody in this world wants to be a broiler chicken or even a roaster broiler.

FM:          But everybody wants to be a free range chicken.

Waldo:     That’s the way I see it.

FM:          Tell me, do you have a plan, a break-out plan I mean.

Waldo:     I can’t say but let me tell you, me and a few others have been lookin at our

FM:          Good luck then Waldo.

Waldo:     Hey, nice talkin to ya. You sure smell nice.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

The Parkdale Manifesto

The Parkdale Manifesto

(A work in progress)

Parkdale is a neighbourhood. This neighbourhood includes the poor and the wealthy, sane and the fit, the mentally and physically challenged. It includes a whole bunch of Tibetans and now it is home to a sizeable contingent of Roma. We have a methadone clinic in Parkdale that is quieter and more respectful of the neighbourhood than some of our restaurant / bars. The Parkdale Liberation Front’s definition of a neighbourhood is that it is inclusive. If you don’t like it you are welcome to stay.

Please move to the back of the streetcar, do not block the exits. Form a cue at bus and streetcar stops. Never, under any circumstances, fart in a bus, streetcar or subway train.

Please do not talk in a loud voice in public. Despite what you may think no one is interested in your miserable self centred life.

Hold open a door in a building for someone. Smile and say no rush, even if there is a rush. If you are in too much of a hurry to provide this simple courtesy you are either a bank robber or an asshole. When someone holds a door open for you, smile and say thank you.

When you encounter a stranger on the street smile and look them in the eye. Say hello or cheers and move on. The only thing you are selling, the only thing you are guilty of is the joy of the other. If cannot find the joy of the other you are seriously fucked up, par exemple, Monsieur le Maire, Rob Ford.

Please merge your vehicle in a controlled and dignified manner. Please do not cut in. Cutting in is symptomatic of a selfish personality, someone who might make a lot of money, or no money at all, someone who thinks that the world is all about me and who deep down inside is really an egregious  asshole. Merging into traffic is all about asking a favour. Allowing someone to merge is all about generosity. When you have successfully merged wave your hand in thanks.

Do not honk your horn unless it is life threatening. The Parkdale Liberation Front is currently working on a proposal that would see vehicles equipped with a hot wire that attaches to the genitalia of the driver. Upon the use of a horn except in the direst of circumstances, the driver’s genitalia would receive a severe electric shock. The car horn was not designed to be a servant of neurosis or alpha type assholes.

Share the freedom and joy of cycling by not riding your bicycle on the sidewalk. Share the awesomeness of cycling by wearing a helmet, belling when you pass another cyclist on the left. Use hand signals. Stop at all red lights. Glide carefully through stop signs. Transition slowly through pedestrian areas, walking speed is recommended.
Please pick up after your dog. People who do not pick up are beneath contempt, as worthy of our approbation as the bicycle thief. Well except for that guy in the Italian movie but that was about the predatory nature of Kapitalism.