New Super Food
Epipremnum wonderissii parkdalensis
Common Name: Holysmoke Vine
Recently Parkdale horticulturalists have come across a strange plant in the lanes and backyards along Queen Street West. The plant, a clinging ground vine, has been identified as a previously unidentified hardy variety of Epipremnum or the pothos vine so common in interior landscapes. The Parkdale Liberation Front department of Homeopathy, recently relocated from the patio of The Rhino to the back of The Cadillac Lounge after an unfortunate incident involving a dispute between the bar manager and Subcommander Annie, has been investigating this promising vine.
Holysmoke Vine contains most of the vitamins you need every day, just one serving of Holysmoke Vine contains Vitamin B15, Vitamin B21, Vitamin B305, Vitamin B57, Vitamin B66, Frolicing Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnum 4s, Bosporus, Potassium and Cement, not to mention genetically encoded messages of salvation from the King James Bible.
No time for a nap in the afternoon? Holysmoke Vine is an excellent source of naturally occurring amphetamines as well as genetically encoded pictures Pamela Anderson as Ophelia in Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Simply chew on the vine as you would a leaf of a coca plant.
Men, doesn’t it bother you when your bathroom mirror fogs up every time you let off a beer fart? Try a puree of Holysmoke Vine and shredded leather. Spray on and wipe clean. Not only will your mirror sparkle but your bathroom will boast an additional manly scent.
Are grubs and slugs ruining your planting beds? Wrap Holysmoke Vine around a cocktail onion and place in a Royal Chinette dish. The schedule B subprime chemicals in the Holysmoke Vine react with the paper to give off a scent undetectable to humans but drive garden pests crazy and cause them to emigrate to Etobicoke. If you live in Etobicoke, home of Rob Ford, obese Mayor of Toronto with a marginal grasp of reality, sorry, you are SOL.
Looking for a fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool? Try rubbing a leaf or two of Holysmoke Vine along your problem area for a few minutes, the phytochemicals in the vine cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite. Works great on stucco.
Want to avoid a hangover? Holysmoke Vine doesn’t work for boozers. Be a role model for your kids and switch to a recreational drug.
Stuck in space, somewhere between Venus and the Ophra Quadrant, Clingons hard on your ass, the dylithium crystals exhausted? Pas de problem mon Capitan Jean-Luc . . . .
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