Sunday, July 8, 2012

Mary Dowser Kidnapping Update

The case so far: The charmingly odoriferous Mary Dowser met up with a mysterious stranger on the train from Paris to Kiev. The stranger turned out to be Thomas Beckett. They struck up a sudden friendship. Sometime after their arrival at Kiev the aromatic Ms. Dowser emerging with Mr. Beckett from their hotel was suddenly carried off by unknown assailants. 

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Concerned for the safety of Championship Typist, TVFP correspondent and intrepid traveller we hired the private detective firm of Dragon and Associates to pursue the apparent kidnapping of Ms. Dowser in broad daylight on the streets of Kiev, the Ukraine. The firm’s principal Nicholas Dragon has written to us with his preliminary findings:

I don’t know the Ukraine, but I know someone who does. Sergei Tov isn’t just tough. He invented tough. Sergei Tov isn’t just smart he invented a little computer gadget that made him rich while his compatriots were nothing more than pariah dogs ripping at the entrails of the old Soviet Union. How I got to know Sergei Tov is classified. I don’t talk about it so don’t ask. Now Sergei Tov agreed to look into the Dowser affair. Here is a copy of his report to me:

Hey Nicky old friend, old buddy, how was they hangin. Listen this place is a kennel, really. It used to be a nice place. And the girls, really.  Anyway after Uncle Joe starved a thirty million of these Ukrainines to death they was all different. I got something for you. I don’t know what it is. This car that was abducted Mary Dowser was minus one engine, probably four cylinder. Okay that is telling me something. How do one get abducted in a car with no engine? What is everybody seeing? That day of fut-bol everybody is drunk so maybe they are seeing pink elephants. So I’m asking around. I know this girl, okay. No question asked. Her name is probably Mariangela and maybe she’s Italian who was married to this American diplomat for awhile, but I don’t know for sure. This is what she said in English for your eyes only:

Sergei okay, buon giorno you are a real bastard okay I’m not saying that my sister is so don’t ask me for any favours unless you have the Euros right up front. Okay but I owe you one. I got a name for you. Rossario de van Rothskildenski, okay, his great old man was a Junker. How do you like that, bastard?

At this point TVFP asked to obvious question: who is Rossario de van Rothskildenski. Nicholas Dragon replied:

We’re working on that.

Stay turned for more on the ever fragrant Mary Dowser abduction.

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