Sunday, July 29, 2012

TVFP Report: Foreign Strippers Out

The abrogation of work permits for foreign exotic dancers must come as welcome news to the more impoverished areas of the country where jobs are hard to come by. Now your daughter, with her heart set on a university education, but no hope of affording one, can earn top dollar as a stripper in downtown Calgary. She’ll have her tuition paid in no time as well as achieving the daily physical activity requirements as recommend by Health Canada.

Jason Kenny, Minister of Citizenship, Immigration and Multiculturalism, a close Harper toady, sites health and safety concerns at the rationale behind the move. What the Harperites are really doing is targeting victims. It's a proven ineffective ploy and typical of governments with no progressive vision of reform. These unfortunate victims provide the illusion of effective action and moral superiority to the gullible minority (about 33%) necessary to win an election. The dirty business of exploitation goes on as per usual, with a slightly different cast, but the same directors, nothing much changes and hypocrites like Jason Kenny sneer at the rest of us soft on crime, hug-a-thug types who haven't confused the symptoms with the cause.

Apparently the adult entertainment industry is contemplating targeting high school students through recruiting initiatives. They’ll be in good company. Other greed driven, exploitative industries that attempt to lure students into questionable careers include: the petroleum industry, currently engaged in the systematic destruction of great expanses of Northern Alberta, including Native habitat; the mining industry, a world leader in systemic genocide, the forest industry whose clear cut harvesting practices and token reforestation threaten huge tracts of habit and the livelihood of innumerable species.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

The Parkdale Liberation Front: New Superfood Discovered

New Super Food

Epipremnum wonderissii parkdalensis

Common Name: Holysmoke Vine

Recently Parkdale horticulturalists have come across a strange plant in the lanes and backyards along Queen Street West. The plant, a clinging ground  vine, has been identified as a previously unidentified hardy variety of Epipremnum or the pothos vine so common in interior landscapes. The Parkdale Liberation Front department of Homeopathy, recently relocated from the patio of The Rhino to the back of The Cadillac Lounge after an unfortunate incident involving a dispute between the bar manager and Subcommander Annie, has been investigating this promising vine.

Holysmoke Vine contains most of the vitamins you need every day, just one serving of Holysmoke Vine contains Vitamin B15, Vitamin B21, Vitamin B305, Vitamin B57, Vitamin B66, Frolicing Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnum 4s, Bosporus, Potassium and Cement, not to mention genetically encoded messages of salvation from the King James Bible.

No time for a nap in the afternoon? Holysmoke Vine is an excellent source of naturally occurring amphetamines as well as genetically encoded pictures Pamela Anderson as Ophelia in Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Simply chew on the vine as you would a leaf of a coca plant.

Men, doesn’t it bother you when your bathroom mirror fogs up every time you let off a beer fart? Try a puree of Holysmoke Vine and shredded leather. Spray on and wipe clean. Not only will your mirror sparkle but your bathroom will boast an additional manly scent.

Are grubs and slugs ruining your planting beds? Wrap Holysmoke Vine around a cocktail onion and place in a Royal Chinette dish. The schedule B subprime chemicals in the Holysmoke Vine react with the paper to give off a scent undetectable to humans but drive garden pests crazy and cause them to emigrate to Etobicoke. If you live in Etobicoke, home of Rob Ford, obese Mayor of Toronto with a marginal grasp of reality, sorry, you are SOL.

Looking for a fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool? Try rubbing a leaf or two of Holysmoke Vine along your problem area for a few minutes, the phytochemicals in the vine cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite. Works great on stucco.

Want to avoid a hangover? Holysmoke Vine doesn’t work for boozers. Be a role model for your kids and switch to a recreational drug.

Stuck in space, somewhere between Venus and the Ophra Quadrant, Clingons hard on your ass, the dylithium crystals exhausted?  Pas de problem mon Capitan Jean-Luc  .  .  .  .

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Sunday, July 15, 2012

The Parkdale Liberation Front: Health Warning!!!


The Parkdale Liberation Front, Department of Health, currently located on the patio of The Rhino on Queen West in Parkdale has recently issued a cautionary Health Warning:

The Tim Hudak 
(Leader of the Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario)
virus is coming to your Hood

The deadly virus pictured here:


has currently infected about 30% of the Canadian Population. Similar viruses in the United States and Europe are widespread. In US Right to Work states, the virus is estimated to infect over half the population.

Symptoms: What to look for:

- individuals infected with the TH 666 virus have difficulty distinguishing between ideology and reality.
- the infection reduces and in some cases, particularly with politicians, completely eradicates the ability to reason effectively.
- the infection produces a very low tolerance for empirical data.
- in many cases the TH 666 virus causes individuals to hate-target certain groups, including but not limited to women, men, whales, visible minorities, the physically and mentally challenged, gays and lesbians, unions, squirrels, legal aid lawyers, cyclists and The CBC.

The Burning Question on Queen Street West:

Does the TH 666 virus make you stupid?

The Burning Answer to the Burning Question:


How can you as a rational human being protect yourself?

- if you come in physical contact with some one infected with the TH 666 virus immediately and vigorously wash your hands or any part of the skin that was in contact with the sick individual.  Use an industrial strength antiseptic. Chill with the McGarrigle sisters for a couple of hours. Hope for the best.

What if I’ve been infected?

- the problem is that you won’t know it. Suddenly you have all the answers, somewhere cool to go to after you’re dead and  somebody to blame for all your problems. One day you wake up in a beat up mobile home on cinder blocks and have a bowl of dog kibble for breakfast. Along the hall your are kids coughing, too sick to go to school, your wife sick and in pain. A soft wind delivers the eye watering odour of a pig abattoir down the road and you shed a tear for the almighty glory of your good fortune.

Alternatively you wake up in a million dollar penthouse loft condo with a beautiful man or woman snoring softly next to you. You gaze out your window at a rind of toxic smog over the lake, comfortable in the knowledge that your Porshe Carrera is snug and safe in the attack dog patrolled underground parking lot. You turn over and go back to sleep and dream of extracting more precious metals from the earth assured that the downstream poisoning of native people's land, the poisoning of their children and their future, ain't your problem.

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Sunday, July 8, 2012

Mary Dowser Kidnapping Update

The case so far: The charmingly odoriferous Mary Dowser met up with a mysterious stranger on the train from Paris to Kiev. The stranger turned out to be Thomas Beckett. They struck up a sudden friendship. Sometime after their arrival at Kiev the aromatic Ms. Dowser emerging with Mr. Beckett from their hotel was suddenly carried off by unknown assailants. 

See recent posts:



Concerned for the safety of Championship Typist, TVFP correspondent and intrepid traveller we hired the private detective firm of Dragon and Associates to pursue the apparent kidnapping of Ms. Dowser in broad daylight on the streets of Kiev, the Ukraine. The firm’s principal Nicholas Dragon has written to us with his preliminary findings:

I don’t know the Ukraine, but I know someone who does. Sergei Tov isn’t just tough. He invented tough. Sergei Tov isn’t just smart he invented a little computer gadget that made him rich while his compatriots were nothing more than pariah dogs ripping at the entrails of the old Soviet Union. How I got to know Sergei Tov is classified. I don’t talk about it so don’t ask. Now Sergei Tov agreed to look into the Dowser affair. Here is a copy of his report to me:

Hey Nicky old friend, old buddy, how was they hangin. Listen this place is a kennel, really. It used to be a nice place. And the girls, really.  Anyway after Uncle Joe starved a thirty million of these Ukrainines to death they was all different. I got something for you. I don’t know what it is. This car that was abducted Mary Dowser was minus one engine, probably four cylinder. Okay that is telling me something. How do one get abducted in a car with no engine? What is everybody seeing? That day of fut-bol everybody is drunk so maybe they are seeing pink elephants. So I’m asking around. I know this girl, okay. No question asked. Her name is probably Mariangela and maybe she’s Italian who was married to this American diplomat for awhile, but I don’t know for sure. This is what she said in English for your eyes only:

Sergei okay, buon giorno you are a real bastard okay I’m not saying that my sister is so don’t ask me for any favours unless you have the Euros right up front. Okay but I owe you one. I got a name for you. Rossario de van Rothskildenski, okay, his great old man was a Junker. How do you like that, bastard?

At this point TVFP asked to obvious question: who is Rossario de van Rothskildenski. Nicholas Dragon replied:

We’re working on that.

Stay turned for more on the ever fragrant Mary Dowser abduction.

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